Toward the North Page 3

  And then by chance a few evenings ago, she heard Wenwen mention that digital cameras were very popular nowadays. With a voice full of hope, Wenwen said that you could manipulate and adjust the images yourself. A good digital camera could offer high quality results. On hearing this, Jiang Xue made up her mind. She thought, If we can make the child happy just by spending a little more money, then buying a digital camera is something worth considering.

  She went to the store and looked around. Digital cameras were really expensive; generally they cost around three or four hundred Canadian dollars. And with the rapid development of digital technology, and despite spending so much money on it, the new camera might soon become out-dated.

  Nevertheless, Jiang Xue could not dismiss the idea. If it made Wenwen happy, she definitely would satisfy this one request. Or, should she talk it over with her daughter first?

  Jiang Xue took two hours off work to go home early. She was planning to cook a special birthday meal. Her daughter had already made party arrangements, probably for the weekend. Wenwen still hadn’t mentioned exactly when. Tonight, though, after dinner, the whole family would take the car to the mall, stroll about, and then decide together what present to get her.

  Jiang Xue left the car in the driveway. There was no need to park in the garage since they would be going out again after supper.

  She pushed the door open, bent over to change her shoes, and then caught the scent of perfume wafting through the house. She thought this was unusual, and although she felt somewhat absurd, she started to look around the house. Suddenly she noticed that the door to her daughter’s bedroom was wide open. She rushed upstairs to take a look. Wenwen was sitting in front of her desk, combing her hair. Lying scattered on the desk were various perfumes, lipsticks, eye liners, and other cosmetics.

  Her daughter usually came home from school at four in the afternoon, but it wasn’t four o’clock yet, and she was already at home. Although her daughter didn’t utter a sound and just stared at her, Jiang Xue immediately felt a sense of panic, as though something unexpected was about to happen. Flustered, she walked over and with a forced smile said, “Wenwen came home early, today, eh?”

  Wenwen stared at her mother with a guarded expression then nodded, “Yeah.”

  Jiang Xue was a little taken aback and suddenly realized that her daughter had something to say to her, but because of her mother’s unexpected appearance, she needed time to muster the courage to say it. Jiang Xue herself was even less prepared to continue the conversation, in case the child had something earth-shattering to announce. She quickly turned away and began to retreat to her own room.

  “I have plans for tonight,” Wenwen announced to her mother’s back.

  “You…?” Jiang Xue’s footsteps slowed, and she was forced to turn back.

  Her daughter blinked, but she had no intention of stopping the major announcement that was underway. Suddenly, Wenwen switched to English. “One of my classmates is going to throw a birthday party for me. Afterwards we’ll stay at his house for the night….” Her daughter paused.

  With thunder rolling in her heart, Jiang Xue was speechless. Perhaps her daughter used English for this difficult announcement to help her mother to accept the situation more easily. After all, an overnight party with both boys and girls belongs to the category of Western culture, it might seem more reasonable in English. However, Wenwen did not realize that by using English to support her argument for going to the party, she also clearly disclosed that the person who would host the party was male!1

  Although her daughter’s use of the English word “his” was ringing in her ears, she still did not dare to believe what she had heard. “Your classmate is throwing you a birthday party?” Jiang Xue repeated weakly. She needed to hear the words again. “You are not coming home tonight?”

  Continuing in English and without modifying her tone, her daughter answered abruptly, “Yes.”

  Jiang Xue felt dizzy, and the blood rushed to her head. Her feet were frozen. At the same time, everything became crystal clear. To her astonishment, she realized that her daughter, this mere fifteen-year-old child, had firmly articulated her decision. She was not soliciting her mother’s advice, much less asking for permission!

  For a long time, Jiang Xue had worried about this day coming, and now, suddenly, here it was!

  She also realized that her daughter had been secretly planning to do this for a long time, and had already talked over the plans with her friends. While Wenwen was speaking, Jiang Xue recognized an uncompromising expression in her eyes. Her daughter’s tone was inflexible, as though she was fully aware that her mother would not approve of her behaviour. That being so, no matter what her mother’s opinion or attitude was, wouldn’t her daughter still go? Her daughter was the reason for this party. How could she miss it?

  Although Jiang Xue felt she had a knife to her throat, she knew she could not retreat. Even if she were told that doing so would be as dangerous as walking through fire, she had no choice but to act.

  Seething with fury but seeking reinforcements, Jiang Xue went into her own room and slammed the door with a bang. Then she grabbed the phone and punched in Liu Lihua’s work number. Her trembling fingers misdialed the number, and she punched it once more. The phone rang for a while, but no one answered. Unwilling to give up, she dialled again. At last, a Western woman’s voice answered. Jiang Xue asked for her husband, and the woman told her that he was in the middle of a meeting.

  Still holding the phone in her hand, she sank to the floor like a person paralyzed. A strong sense of frustration and helplessness engulfed her as though the waters of the Huangpu had flooded her heart.

  Recently, a sense of ominous foreboding had started to creep into her mind. She knew that her daughter’s growing to maturity would come with some problems that would be difficult for them to handle, but she didn’t expect that the challenges would be so daunting, so urgent, or so unreasonable. She was caught off guard. To go to a boy’s house! And to stay there overnight! To Jiang Xue, this was not negotiable.

  She had worried for a long time about this day coming, and now it had happened on her daughter’s fifteenth birthday. No wonder Wenwen had complained that her parents’ way of celebrating her birthday was childish.

  Jiang Xue was eager to find out who this “he” was. Was he Chinese or foreign? Was he a classmate? What did his parents do? How did they get to know each other? Why did he organize a birthday party for Wenwen? And the even more terrifying question, what do they plan to do after dark?

  A rapid succession of questions filled her mind, and she felt as though as head would explode.

  In her mind, she saw Wenwen’s guarded expression and tight lips. If Jiang Xue asked her these questions directly, she wouldn’t answer a single one. Even if her mother pressed her, wouldn’t she just run out the door? Even though Jiang Xue was her mother, Wenwen obviously felt that she had the right to her privacy and didn’t need to explain everything to her parents.

  How could her own daughter believe such a thing? Jiang Xue and Liu Lihua had dated for eight years, and in those eight long years, they hadn’t even thought about spending a night together. Why, she hadn’t let Liu Lihua touch her even once. On the other hand, what relationship did Wenwen have with this boy? How could she just decide to go and stay overnight with another family? And how could she have the nerve to tell her mother?

  Jiang Xue’s maternal instincts erupted, and, like a lioness burning with flames of fury, she fought the urge to rush back to her daughter’s room to scold her. Of course, it was only to protect her, and only for her own good.

  Once, long ago, when Jiang Xue’s mother had caught Liu Lihua and Jiang Xue hugging behind a door – just that once – her mother told her, “For a girl, the thing that matters most is her reputation. Without a good reputation, such a person is on the road to ruin.” They had never even kissed, and yet, the rules were strict
.

  Jiang Xue’s hand was already on the door handle. And if she had gathered her strength, she would have rushed back to Wenwen’s room and confronted her. But in the midst of her fury, and just as she was about to pull open her door, the violent and provoking words “shameless hussy” flashed into her mind.

  She stopped abruptly. Clearly and unequivocally she saw what would happen. It would be the start of a war between the mother and daughter, with her daughter angrily forcing her way out of the house, leaving her parents, and never looking back. She might move into the boy’s home to live. And then, how would she ever get her daughter to come back?

  Jiang Xue was distraught at this unbearable thought and overwhelmed by the challenge of the situation. With an anguished heart, she sank to her knees, her hand still grasping the handle. She wanted to cry her heart out.

  But she did not allow one tear to escape. She realized that since her daughter would feel that she had already handled the matter with her announcement, at any moment now she might get up and leave. This was no time to cry.

  How unfair! To be a mother at this moment, and not even have the right to cry!

  Aware that the situation had reached a critical point, she stopped and calmed herself down. She said to herself, I can’t lose this last chance. I must have a talk with my daughter. But, I must use the North American style of thinking.

  This sudden flash of insight came from her everyday reading of books and newspapers as well as from the conversations of the other mothers at work. All these ideas lit up like a bright light. Suddenly she began to see a way out of this stormy situation. Deep in a corner of her heart, her instinct told her that this new approach was the only possible way to approach her daughter. However, she could not stop herself from trembling. It would require both courage and strength.

  She hesitated. If she employed this so-called “modern way of thinking,” which had been imperceptibly influenced by what her Western colleagues think and do, would it indeed be appropriate in dealing with Wenwen? Would doing so get the desired results? Or would it make things worse by adding fuel to the fire, and instead encourage her daughter to become more and more independent in the future, and more and more reluctant to obey her parents?

  With her heart in turmoil, Jiang Xue paced back and forth in her bedroom. Suddenly her legs turned to jelly, her ankle twisted, and she fell headlong onto the cast iron bed frame, bumping her head. Seeing stars, a wave of fear filled her heart. She thought desperately, Strike me down! Let all this end! I might as well be dead as live such a life as this! She placed her fingers gingerly on her head where it throbbed and was glad she didn’t find any blood.

  Jiang Xue thought about those days when her own mother had imposed restrictions on her, and she couldn’t bear it. Thinking about her daughter’s behaviour today, she knew that simply stopping her was not an option. On top of that, she and her daughter had continued to drift further and further apart, and there was little intimacy between them now. How could she rigidly compel her daughter to obey her?

  Thought after thought ran through her mind, and her forehead creased in agony. Then, as if inspired by a mission, she calmed down. In her heart, a single voice was crying out, This is my last resort.

  With agonizing and contradictory feelings, she arrived at her daughter’s door. She was amazed to discover that when Wenwen was all dressed up, she looked so beautiful. Her forehead was smooth and clear; her nose was small and dainty, and gently tilted upward. Her clean and fresh hair was rolled up at the back of her head just like a cloud. She looked as elegant as a jade statue, and she took Jiang Xue’s breath away. With a pang, Jiang Xue realized that decades ago she had looked just the same.

  Maybe it came from her daughter’s confidence, but her own confidence was also strengthened, and as a result she said, “Wait a few minutes for me. I am going out to buy something.”

  Her daughter was a little surprised, and her eyes widened, but she immediately nodded.

  Jiang Xue drove to the nearest pharmacy chain. Without a moment’s hesitation, she purchased an item that she had never bought before. Then she immediately drove home. To the store and back had only taken fifteen minutes, a new record for her shopping time.

  Wenwen, who was almost ready to leave, watched her mother warily as she entered the bedroom. Jiang Xue began, “When a person grows up and is no longer a child, she will begin to have questions about sex. People also refer to this as sexual relations between men and women.”

  Perhaps it was Jiang Xue’s surprising remarks; perhaps it was her mother’s anxiety to hurriedly push on, but from the moment she heard Jiang Xue say these words, Wenwen sat upright at her desk. It seemed as if her mother’s complexion was both flushed red from a cold wind and full of the vigour of regained youth. Reappraising her mother, Wenwen listened to her words attentively and without her usual cynical contempt.

  She quietly waited.

  Encouraged by her daughter’s attention, Jiang Xue realized that this new style of speech had had an impact. She could not help but feel a further boost in her confidence. Still, Jiang Xue felt her face burning because when she began to talk about “sex,” the word caught in her mouth. Regardless of how unnatural it felt, she instinctively hurried to fill in the space. “Sex is natural, and it is also natural to ask questions about it. Sex is not a simple matter. It has to do with people’s feelings and with establishing good family relationships.”

  Even if she’d had an academic background in science, she never thought she would have been able to openly discuss questions about sex like she was doing in this moment. “Previously, Mom had very few discussions with you about sexual issues,” she said calmly. “It was my responsibility to do so. Actually, we Chinese people secretly have a lot of interest in the affairs between men and women, but in public we are not very willing to talk about it. This is a problem.”

  Jiang Xue’s mouth was dry, but she was unable to stop. She had to continue. “But you know, we Asians do not have the same attitudes about sex that Westerners have. They are willing to deal with sex more freely, as though it is just a matter between individuals, while we step back and connect sex and responsibility, and are relatively strict about it. But this is not to say who is right or who is wrong. This is just a difference between cultures.”

  She could see that the expression on her daughter’s face was different from her usual aloofness in the past. With her lips slightly open, Wenwen seemed to be unaware of her amiability and compliance. In her clear eyes was just a hint of anxiety and resistance, but also calmness and understanding.

  “Mom doesn’t mind that you have a boyfriend.” Jiang Xue said these words almost sincerely, “but I do hope you won’t let anything affect your studies….”

  She thought that she spoke persuasively, but suddenly she noticed her daughter’s face harden. She rushed to fill the pause between them, and, ready to risk everything, held out the gift which she had just bought. Feeling a wave of anxiety in her heart, she said, “This is what Mom is giving to you, a gift for a grown up.”

  The golden yellow English word “Climax” flashed on the outside of the pink box of condoms. This word meant sexual orgasm. Such a thing had never been seen in the house before. Handing the condoms to her daughter, Jiang Xue could not prevent her hands from trembling. Her face felt scalding hot. She couldn’t be sure whether she was being rational, or whether she was being too impulsive. Just the other day, she recalled that one of her Western colleagues, Susan, had given her adult daughter a box of condoms as a birthday present. When she came home, she joked about it with Liu Lihua, never imagining that she herself would so soon become the butt of the same joke.

  Wenwen stared silently at the pink box of condoms. Jiang Xue was unable to gauge her daughter’s reaction, and so not to embarrass her, she took them back, and deftly placed them in Wenwen’s sheepskin purse. Then Jiang Xue said, “How’s that? You’re all set to go. I’ll go
get the car.”

  “What? Mom, why are you getting the car?” asked Wenwen.

  “I’m driving you to your friend’s house.”

  Jiang Xue drove the car up Victoria Park Avenue. It was rush hour, and the cars sped along the road. She imagined that everyone else wanted to hurry home as soon as possible. Jiang Xue drove the car, and a smartly dressed Wenwen sat stiffly beside her. As though she were taking a lamb to the slaughter, Jiang Xue felt waves of horror assail her, and she became distracted. She frequently stepped on the brakes, slowing the car down and then lurching forward.

  Following the directions provided by Wenwen, they turned down two or three blocks and drove onto a side street called Holms Street. Her male classmate, William Harrison—from the name, it seemed certain that he was a Westerner—lived at number 23. Trying hard to calm herself, Jiang Xue smoothly brought the car to the edge of the curb and stopped.

  Just as they arrived, a blonde girl, another student Jiang Xue assumed, was going through the front door of number 23. The girl turned her head at the sound of the car, and glanced at Wenwen who had just gotten out. Jiang Xue watched as the girl checked to see who was sitting in the driver’s seat and then looked back at Wenwen and feigned a look of surprise and derision, leading Jiang Xue to suspect that perhaps Wenwen had complained about having an old-fashioned mother. When Wenwen was planning the party with her friends, she may have told them that her mother would never agree to it. You see, thought Jiang Xue, your mother brought you here.

  Jiang Xue glanced at Wenwen. Sure enough, she caught sight of a sheepish expression on Wenwen’s face in response to the blonde girl’s meaningful smile. Wenwen’s smiling expression had a little bit of embarrassment, a little bit of regret, and a little bit of happiness. Suddenly, Wenwen turned around and walked back toward the car. Jiang Xue didn’t know what her daughter wanted, but she opened the car door in a panic and leapt out to meet her.